A passage in the Talmud (Yoma 86A) illuminates the concept of Kiddush Hashem, but also insinuates that we can view dereliction as a chillul Hashem, desecration of Hashem’s Name. “What do people say about an individual who reads, learns and serves talmidei chachamim, Torah scholars, and handles all his relations (business, etc.) with his fellow man with emunah, faith, and makes sure his manner of speech is b’nachas, soft and pleasant? Fortunate is his father who taught him Torah/Fortunate is his Rebbe who taught him Torah. Look at so and so who studied Torah, and (as a result) his demeanor is refined and proper – through him, Hashem is glorified.”
We are used to defining Kiddush Hashem as giving up one’s life to sanctify Hashem’s Name. However, Chazal are intimating, that the first step toward achieving Kiddush Hashem is living a holy life, so that people glorify Hashem and His Torah for producing such an exceptionally refined person. On the other hand, the flipside is frightening: One who does not make a proper impression, one who causes people to look askance on Torah, its students and its dissemination desecrates Hashem’s Name! Sadly, some self-loathing people jump at the opportunity to find fault with bnei Torah. Thus, the boundary that demarcates chilul Hashem is very narrow and demanding. This does not mean that we must abscond to the meshigaas, foolishness, of every self- styled final authority on how we must dress. It is just something to keep in mind. More than clothes is necessary to create a refined demeanor, reflecting humility, respect – for others and for oneself. How people view yeshivah, Torah and, by extension, Hashem, is often based on a skewed perception of right and wrong. Why should we add to their misconceptions?
Horav Sholom Schwadron, zl, underscores the fact that a ben Torah, one who studies Torah, thus enhancing his cognitive abilities, confronts the danger of causing a chilul Hashem even greater, with greater ramifications, than one who does not learn Torah. He is sharper because he has acquired Torah. Without the refined middos that he should have garnered from Torah, however, he would be worse off, because he has no Torah, and he has no middos. He only has an enhanced mind which will not serve him well enough.
The Maggid relates a powerful story which emphasizes the refinement of one who devotes himself to Torah. I share this with the reader due to its inspirational value. Horav Shlomo Heyman, zl, Rosh Yeshivah of Mesivta Torah Vodaath, was one of Horav Boruch Ber Leibowitz’s premier students. Sadly, his mortal journey came to an untimely end at the age of fifty. Nonetheless, his impact on the American Torah landscape through his many talmidim was nothing short of incredible. The Rosh Yeshivah and his Rebbetzin were not blessed with biological children. Thus, during the shivah, seven days of mourning following his petirah, death, the only mourner was his Rebbetzin. His many talmidim organized minyanim at his home, followed by their spending time consoling his widow.
One day, during the shivah, his students were sitting and conversing quietly among themselves, as the Rebbetzin had not come down yet. When she arrived, she asked their permission to say a few words about her illustrious husband. “You are all quite aware of the Rosh Yeshivah’s brilliance in Torah. His many shiurim in halachah and Aggadah are classics. I would also like to give a shiur on the topic of middos – specifically my late husband’s middos.
“My husband and I were married for twenty-six years without children. Understandably, when a couple is not blessed with children, the blame game sets in and the normal, loving relationship that permeates married life becomes strained. Even under the best circumstances, life in such a home can be challenging and confrontational. I must declare in all honesty that from the moment that our marriage began until the moment that my revered husband took his last breath, never did he express a statement, a word, a nuance that could be interpreted as a negative allegation against me. Indeed, the love that permeated and reigned in our lives, even during this last year, was no different than during our first year of marriage.
“Furthermore, during those few times that I was in a rush to leave, which meant that I could not prepare his lunch, not only did he not complain, but, when I returned, two cookies were on the table, with two cups of coffee, everything prepared for a few quiet moments together.”
This story gives us an idea of the meaning of, “See the demeanor of that Torah scholar! How fortunate are his father and rebbe for teaching him Torah.”
Derech eretz kadmah la’Torah – human decency, thinking of others, etiquette, manners, — all these are terms that could be used to define derech eretz. Horav Aharon Leib Shteinman, zl, was wont to say that Torah study unaccompanied by middos refinement has little purpose. On the contrary, one who learns, but does nothing to alter his negative character traits, is making them worse, allowing them to use Torah as a vehicle for an increasingly flawed character. Rav Shteinman posited that the primary reason we suffer from varied tzaros, troubles, is our lack of bein adam la’chaveiro, treating our fellow with respect and empathy for the issues that govern his life. Often, just the knowledge that someone cares about him can serve as salve to ameliorate one’s pain. Horav Chaim Kanievsky, zl, explained that an act of indiscretion against one’s fellow occurs in Olam Hazeh, this world, the punishment begins in this world. Sins against Heaven can occur in the Heavenly sphere; therefore, in those cases, the punishment begins when one “arrives” there. Furthermore, one can ameliorate sins against Hashem through teshuvah, repentance, and Heavenly forgiveness. Those sins that are carried out against our fellow man can receive absolution only once one has settled and soothed his fellow’s feelings – which we all know does not come easily.
If I were to relate stories of gedolei Yisrael and how they acted with empathy towards the feelings of their fellow, I would not know where to begin and certainly not know where to end. One story which caught my eye recently is inspirational, and I feel sends a powerful message. Indeed, it may help someone in need. Horav Yitzchak Yaakov Weiss, zl, Gaavad of Yerushalayim and author of the classic Teshuvos Minchas Yitzchak, was a gaon of unparalleled brilliance who was fluent in all areas of Torah. His renown as a gaon began early when, at the age of sixteen, he received semichah, ordination, from the rabbinate of Munkatch. He also maintained a prolific correspondence with rabbanim throughout Europe. When he reached marriageable age, he was matched with Alte Rivkah Leah, daughter of Rav Pinchas Tzimetboim, Rav of Grosvardein. The shadchan, matchmaker, could not stop singing the young woman’s praises. Finally, Rav Yitzchak Yaakov’s mother agreed to the match. Mother and son travelled to — and arrived in — Grosvardein. When the prospective chosson’s mother saw her son’s future kallah, she almost passed out. Apparently, the shadchan conveniently forgot to mention a physical blemish which the young woman manifested.
The mother immediately declared that all bets were off. She would not subject her son to such a match. Under normal circumstances, the shidduch should have been null and void. Rav Yitzchak Yaakov, however, refused to break the shidduch. He would rather marry a girl who had a physical flaw than shame her publicly by breaking the shidduch. They married, and, a year later, they became the proud parents of the Rav’s only son, Rav Berish.
World War II broke out, and father and his fourteen-year-old son escaped to Klausenberg. In 1945, his first wife passed away. He remarried, and shortly thereafter, he once again became a widower. His third wife was the daughter of the Imrei Chaim of Vishnitz. They had no children.
In his later years, the Gaavad related that, from three marriages, he produced one son. He had spoken to a number of doctors who were experts in fertility matters who said that, according to medical science, the Gaavad should never have been able to father a child. To this, Rav Yitzchak Yaakov replied, “Because I was mevater, with generosity of spirit, and overlooked my first wife’s flaw, because I refused to humiliate a Jewish girl, Hashem blessed me. He, too, was mevater.
