What is the source for the responsibility of parents to bring their wayward son to bais din? Simply, the Torah explains that they are the ones bringing the complaint against their son. He does not listen to them, and he has stolen from them. Since they are the ones who are primarily affected, they are able to absolve him of punishment. Horav Eliyahu Baruch Finkel, zl, offers a powerful insight into the parents’ responsibility and why it is specifically they who are to bring him to bais din. The ben sorer u’moreh is executed because of how he will one day act out in order to satisfy his desires. He will steal and even murder to get what he wants. The Torah demands that this boy die while yet innocent, before he commits a heinous sin for which he will deserve to be executed. Why should an innocent Jew, who happens to be in the way of the ben sorer’s passionate rage, have to die?
Accordingly, the concept of yamus zakai v’al yamus chayov, let him die while he is still innocent, is not as much a punishment as a moral responsibility which the father/parents must fulfill. A father must see to it that his son is circumcised, receives a pidyon ha’ben, redeemed if he is a first born, married and prepared to earn a livelihood. Likewise, he must see to it that his son lives a virtuous life which will not prematurely end as a result of his evil ways. It is all part and parcel of child-rearing. Parents may not renege their moral obligation to raise their children properly. Excuses are not acceptable. If one has children, he must raise them.
While it is true that parents have a chov kodesh, sacred obligation, to raise their children in accordance with Hashem’s will, it is important to acknowledge that various issues can arise that make the fulfillment of this obligation quite challenging. Economic instability can significantly impact a parents’ ability to provide properly for their child’s needs. Food, shelter and clothing are basic necessities which have become even more challenging in today’s society. The desire/need to “keep up with the Jones’s” can devastate a hardworking father’s ability to keep his children happy. While I think this has always been an issue, it has been exacerbated in contemporary culture in an unholy manner. When a father is hard-pressed to put bread on the table, he certainly does not have the wherewithal to pay for his son’s tutor. As a result, the boy flounders, and we know where he might end up.
Parents struggling with their health, whether physically or emotionally, may find it arduous to meet the demands of parenting. Some parents may hail from backgrounds or communities in which resources, support systems and positive role models are at a premium. Growing up in such onerous environments can negatively impact parenting practices and limit access to essential services that might counter these influences.
We may not ignore the parent who him/herself had experienced trauma or adverse childhood experiences. He/she might find it to be a formidable challenge to break negative cycles and establish healthy relationships with their children. Unresolved trauma can undermine parenting behaviors, emotional and attachment patterns, greatly hampering the parent-child bond.
At the end of the day, no one said that parenting would be a walk in the park. The above predicaments do not resolve themselves. They allow us to acknowledge the need for comprehensive support systems, however, so that parents can fulfill their responsibilities effectively. If you are unable to parent successfully, get help. We have no excuse to allow children to suffer.
